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4thekids Member 
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A popular Barber shop had a robot barber installed. A gentleman came in for a haircut and as the robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The gentleman replied,"130." The robot then proceeded to engage in intellectual conversation about physics and astronomy. The gentleman was delighted and thought this was amazing! Later, another man came in for a haircut and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." The robot then started talking about football, baseball, and NASCAR. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool!" Next a third guy came in to the barber shop and the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then replied with a little chuckle, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?!!" |
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4thekids Member
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. . "Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open... the Marines can blow him up!!" |
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4thekids Member
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I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. |
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4thekids Member
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Sen. Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Sen. Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!" |
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A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guiide. |
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4thekids Member
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Airman Smith was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Jones noticed that Airman Smith was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Smith explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which groups do you think they are going to send into battle first?" |
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4thekids Member
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What is seen made, but never seen after it is made? |
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything." |
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4thekids Member
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Be Happy With Your Job! These People Ae not! -Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician |
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4thekids Member
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A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." |
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4thekids Member
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Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother." |
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4thekids Member
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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA..... |
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4thekids Member
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' |
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4thekids Member
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If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." |
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4thekids Member
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Awesome Senior Moment Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your behind and open it.' ~God Bless America~ |
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4thekids Member
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Three men , a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable." President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water." |
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4thekids Member
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Taliban one liners Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1... Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing, yet. Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from! Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan? A: Two days |
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4thekids Member
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The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.' The next night (after McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid asks Obama, 'Well, tell me... how is John McCain cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.' Moral of the Story: Experience Counts. |
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4thekids Member
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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A SMILE.... 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi! |
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4thekids Member
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Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin were sitting by each other on a plane. Obama thinking Palin was an Alaskan redneck thought he could make some easy money by tricking her into playing a game. He told her," If I ask you a question, and you don't know it, then you pay me five dollars. If I don't know one of your questions, I'll pay you FIVE HUNDRED dollars. Palin agreed and Obama began the game by asking, "How many miles is it from the Sun to Jupiter?" Not knowing Palin paid him five dollars. Then Palin asked Obama," What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? After long hours of researching and consulting everyone he knew... he finally gave up and paid the five hundred dollars to Palin. Then Obama asked, "So...what's the answer. What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four? Palin handed him five dollars.  |
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4thekids Member
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One night i dreamed i went to heaven. When i got there St. Peter was waiting on me. He said, "Before we go in i need to tell you, don't step on the ducks!" So we walked in and i saw ducks EVERYWHERE! St. Peter was showing me around and we got pretty far when i saw a woman tied to a stinky man. Very very stinky. I asked, "Why are they tied together." St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on a duck." So we walked a little more and we saw another woman tied to a very very VERY stinky man. I asked, "Why are they tied together." St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on 2 ducks. So we went a little farther and i saw Hillary Clinton tied to a very handsome man. I said, "Well she must have done something really good." St. Peter said, "Nope, he stepped on a duck." |
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4thekids Member
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Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible. The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve. The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos. The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning? |
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4thekids Member
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One day Jimmy went up to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's the highest number?" his daddy said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure, but i think it's in the stimulus package. |
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4thekids Member
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Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere. Now you know how the stock market works. |
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4thekids Member
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We've got what it takes to take what you've got ~ IRS |
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Today the Obama Administration announced the long-waited strategy for Afgahnistan. It is called the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" strategy. You don't ask about the strategy and they won't tell you what the strategy is. |
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4thekids Member
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In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it. The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave." "No" They blonde replies. "Why not?" questions the waiter. "The carton says "concentrate". |
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4thekids Member
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One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by the police. The girls decided to go up 3 different trees and hide. The brunette hid in the apple tree. The redhead hid in the lemon tree, and the blonde hid in the oak tree. The policeman went to the apple tree and said, “Is there anyone up there?" The brunette went, "meow" The policeman said to himself, "Oh, its just a cat stuck up in a tree!" Then he went over to the lemon tree and said, "Is there anyone up there?" The redhead went, "bark bark" The policeman said to himself, "Oh, its just a dog stuck up in a tree!" Then he went over to the oak tree and said, "Is there anyone up there?" The Blonde went, "Acorn, acorn!" |
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4thekids Member
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A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope. A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture." |
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4thekids Member
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One day a blonde was having trouble with her computer, so she calls tech support. "Hello how can I help you?," the tech support woman says. "Yes, I am having trouble getting my computer to do anything," the blonde says. "What window do you have open?" "Are you crazy! it's freezing cold outside!" |
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4thekids Member
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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills. |
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4thekids Member
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One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling. She asks "What ARE you doing"? The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days". The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it". The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!" The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb" The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep". As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked. The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door. The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?" The blonde says "I can't work in the dark" |
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4thekids Member
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A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the peices and tries to put it together.... After a while of trying she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend... Her boyfriend says: Honey whats wrong The Blonde says: Im trying to put this puzzle together but I can't do it. Her boyfriend says: Well look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like. The blonde says: Okay... well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it. Her boyfriend says: Honey... put the cornflakes back in the box. |
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4thekids Member
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There are three girls going to a water park for the day. One is brunette, one is a redhead and the last is a blonde. When they get to the park, they see a Magic Wishing Slide. They decide to give it a go. The brunette is the first to go down the slide. She yells 'Monneeeeeeeey!!!'. When she shoots out of the end of the slide, she lands in a pool of money. The redhead is next. She slides down and yells 'Chocccollate!!!'. When she shoots out of the end, she landed in a pool of chocolate. The blonde slides down screaming 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'. When she shoots out of the end, she lands in a pool of... ... ... ... ... WEE!!! |
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4thekids Member
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There was a brunette walking on a railroad track saying, " 22, 22, 22, 22..." A blonde walking near-by heard the brunette. So, the blonde asked if she could join the brunette. The brunette said sure and together they said, " 22, 22, 22, 22.." Later on a train comes down the track. The brunette jumps off, but the blonde is not so lucky. So, the brunette jumps back on the track after the train is gone and says, "23, 23, 23, 23..." |
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The Lemon Picker The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove Seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have! "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyota's And I voted for Obama. |
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4thekids Member
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A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.” He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.” The father agrees, “All right.” The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?” |
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration..... DARN IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO! |
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What do you call a bear with earmuffs on? What ever you want because he can't hear you |
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" |
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Why did the performing pony not sing? Answer: Because his voice was a little horse |
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The teacher said, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Daniel, come up here and I'll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, "You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Daniel replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business." |
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There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything. Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!" The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible." The guy asked, "Where should I start?" The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers." Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains. The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!" The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?" The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11." |
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4thekids Member
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed. |
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4thekids Member
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God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. |
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You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts! |
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4thekids Member
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Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!" |
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4thekids Member
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Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!" |
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4thekids Member
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Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!" |
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4thekids Member
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Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!" |
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4thekids Member
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Things I Have Learned in the South
(And, if the price of meat keeps going up, I gonna learn how to fry one up.)
(And, fried green tomatoes!)
(Isn't that what you really wanted to know?)
(With slaw and hush puppies!)
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4thekids Member
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" |
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4thekids Member
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A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church." |
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4thekids Member
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A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday." |
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4thekids Member
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After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother." |
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4thekids Member
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A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. “Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. “We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. “We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.” Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. “We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.” |
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4thekids Member
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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..." |
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4thekids Member
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After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother." |
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4thekids Member
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A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep." Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!" "There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf." "No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is." |
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4thekids Member
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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.' The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business? |
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4thekids Member
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." |
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4thekids Member
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A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen". He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord". The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!" |
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4thekids Member
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A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible. As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!" The mom asked, "What is it"? "I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy. |
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4thekids Member
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There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a boat together. One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from a booth on the beach. The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also took a drink from a booth on the beach. On the third day, the rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the boat, he drowned. The minister looked at the priest and said, "Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?" |
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4thekids Member
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For all of us who are---seniors--- for all of you who know seniors--- and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior! 'Where Is My Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. 'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.' There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'So that's why no one was in church today.' |
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4thekids Member
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me," the father answered. The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" |
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4thekids Member
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." |
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4thekids Member
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Once, in the 1820's, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?" "No, pappy," Sam lied. "Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?' Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the Sam's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?" "Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse." Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?" Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!" |
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4thekids Member
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A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. When it was this mans turn in line and he said it was his hearing. So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer. The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''. "I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the man. |
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4thekids Member
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The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.” |
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4thekids Member
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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago". The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle. The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again. She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind." Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel. Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed |
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A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich and sits down.When the panda is done with his sandwich he pulls out a gun shoots the waiter then gets up to leave. The bartender stops him and says "you just shot my waiter and now your going to leave" and the panda replies "dude look it up" so the bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up panda bear. It said"a animal that lives in africa. eats shoots and leaves. |
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4thekids Member
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A kindergarden teacher was supervising her class as they were drawing pictures. She wandered about the room, looking at the pictures they were drawing and complimenting them. All the kids would look up at her and smile, eager to show their artwork. She came across one little girl who didn't look up, but instead kept coloring busily. "What are you drawing?" asked the teacher. "I'm drawing God," answered the little girl, still not looking up. "But, no one knows what God looks like." "They will in a sec." |
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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother. The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! " The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook." Then the brother said, "What about your leg?" The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ." Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?" The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ." The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?" Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha |
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4thekids Member
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A husband and wife were expecting their newborn baby boy. "We will name him Jacob after me," said the husband. "No, I want to name him Taylor," said the wife. "Taylor is a girls name", the disappointed husband replied. "No it's not", replied the wife. " I don't want my son to be named after a female country singer," shouted the husband. "Fine" said the wife. The soon to be dad smiled and said "I can't wait to play football with him and watch NASCAR". The mom smiled and said, "I don't think you have to wait must longer... my water just broke!!!" So, they rushed to the hospital and soon the baby was being delivered. The husband and wife were so excited. As the baby popped out the dad said, "Jacob you are gonna be a star!!!" The the doctors laid the baby on its mommy's belly and said, "Congratulations, its a new baby girl"!!! "Well Taylor it is", laughed the mom. |
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4thekids Member
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A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, named Josh. The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?" He says, "Nope. I’m a Sacramento Kings fan!" She says, "Well, why are you a Sacramento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?" Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacramento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacramento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacramento Kings fan." The teacher's not real happy, so she says, "Well, if your mom’s an idiot and your dads an idiot, then what would you be?!" Josh says, "Then I'd be a Lakers fan!" |
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4thekids Member
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful. Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!" |
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4thekids Member
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Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease? Yep… It runs in the jeans! |
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4thekids Member
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I’m Tired! Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work. Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!! |
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4thekids Member
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I’m Tired! Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work. Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!! |
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4thekids Member
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher. The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor's house. Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?" "Sure Did!" "Did they chop your firewood?!" "Yep!" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!" |
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4thekids Member
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A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them. . "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says. So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?" The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!" |
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" |
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Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man. Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river." The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way. The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the way. The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman! The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it. |
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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started. |
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4thekids Member
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A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says to yield, not give up!" |
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4thekids Member
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse, by a long shot, won the race. Before the next race, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest made a blessing on the forehead of another one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on that horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited so see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.Mitch was now pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed that the priest blessed the eyes, ears and hooves of the horse. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as his horse came in last.Mitch in a state of shock made his way down to the track area and confronted the priest. “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings—all of it!” The priest nodded wisely with sympathy said, “Son, that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.” |
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4thekids Member
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A man is sitting in a bar in Montana and far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again. He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?" "Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country." |
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4thekids Member
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now... |
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Conservatives will appreciate this one. I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct... The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership....d**n guy had no sense of humor. |
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In a small kindergarten class, they were learning the alphabet. When a little boy asked to go to the restroom the teacher said, "Say the alphabet first" "But I really need to go!!!!" "say the alphabet and I'll let you go!!!" "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ" "You left out the "P!! Where's the "P?" "Running down my pants" |
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My daughter and I were driving down the street when I noticed a license plate that read, "I is college educated." I laughed as I pointed it out to my daughter. She replied with discuss, "He's so stupid! It's, "I are college educated!" |
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4thekids Member
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A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign. The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?" The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick. While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!" |
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" |
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Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw Mr. Green Pea over the fence. |
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After losing another tooth, young Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy. Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?” Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.” Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?” |
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4thekids Member
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A boy was in trouble so he had too go to bed early. He got in bed and asked his dad for a glass of water, so his dad brought him a glass. Five minutes later the boy called down too his dad, ''can I have another glass of water?" So, his dad brought him up one. Five minutes later the boy called back down too his dad saying ''can I have another glass of water?" His dad said NO, if you ask me one more time I'm going too come up there and spank you. Five minutes later the boy called down, ''on your way up too spank me can you bring me a glass of water? |
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I asked a little girl do you know why we get out of school for Labor Day? She was very enthusiastic to say "It is a time when all the mommys of the world go into labor" |
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4thekids Member
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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." |
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One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day. So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. "Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom. Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. "Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother. Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor. Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker. The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk "Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher? "Shut up!", shouted the student. The teacher felling very hurt asked, "Who do you think you are!?" "Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student. "What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!" |
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4thekids Member
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There were 2 sisters,a blond and a brunette ,they lived on a ranch they got from there parents.They were in det.To pay it off they decided to sell bulls. The bronet went to town to get a bull.On the 2nd day she bought a bull for $200.She went to the telagram station and said,I would like to send word to my sister to hich the traler to the pickup and come get me.The lady said,I'd be happy to for 99 cents a word.After bying the bull she only had $1 left.After thiking for a while she said,send the word comfortbul. The lady said how is that going to help you? She said my sisters a blonde she'll read it slow like: "com-for-da-bul'' |
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4thekids Member
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One day two blondes were out in the woods. The first blonde was on one side of a river, and the second on the opposite side. The first blonde wanted to get to the other side of the river and so she called to the other blonde for help. The second blonde had a flashlight and wanting to help, said, “I know! I’ll shine the light of my flashlight across the river and you can walk across on the beam.” The first blonde said, “ Are you crazy? I get half way across, and you turn off the light!” |
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4thekids Member
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So a blond was speeding down the highway. All of a sudden she gets pulled over (obviously because she was speeding.) The cop who pulled her over was also a blond (uh-oh)... The cop says "Ma'am i need to see your drivers license ID." The driver was confused, being blond and all. So, the cop decides to remind her what an ID is. "Ma'am its a rectangular thing with your picture on it" The blond still has no idea, but looks for it anyways. So funny them blonds. She pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the cop. The blonde cop says to the blond driver, "Oh, sorry ma'am if I had known YOU were a cop too, I wouldn't have pulled you over." |
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4thekids Member
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." |
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4thekids Member
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Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." |
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At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." |
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4thekids Member
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A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture. The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked. "Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's! |
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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. |
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A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because, I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!" |
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How do you keep a blonde busy? Put her in a circular room and tell her to find the corner. |
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What's a baby's motto? If at first you don't succeed - cry, cry again! |
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What's a baby's motto? If at first you don't succeed - cry, cry again! |
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How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it! |
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What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer! |
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There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!" |
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4thekids Member
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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark." The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Now all who have prepared for today’s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front." Half the class stood up and came forward. "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk speak to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!" |
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." |
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You have a face like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled! |
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I'd stop eating chocolate, but Im NO quiter! |
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?” They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!" |
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4thekids Member
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The invisible couple had a kid and he isn’t much to look at either! |
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." |
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What did they give the cannibal when he was late for diner? They gave him the cold shoulder.. |
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Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll - Tootsie Pop?" Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper." |
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There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. |
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Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot? He couldn't face defeet!! |
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3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! |
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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors , and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. |
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4thekids Member
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There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue. She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?" The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!" |
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!" |
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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.] Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For y'all Yankees and City Folk, a "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin -- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America, and generally the meanest, being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.) Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the cottonmouth without getting snake bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. That ol' snake's eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I released him into the lake without no problem t'all and carried on fishing using the frog as bait. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake just a'grinnin up at me -- with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South. |
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There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us." The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them. The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again. An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them. Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again. Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!" |
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How do you get a kleenex to dance? … Put a little boogey in it. |
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor? |
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." |
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4thekids Member
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." |
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4thekids Member
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" |
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?' The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.' |
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. |
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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? |
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my esercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." |
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. |
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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." |
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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..." |
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." |
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." |
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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food ? Snakes and Larders |
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Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply" ? They couldn't, they were adders ! |
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What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a python? A twenty-foot-long strip-light that can squeeze you to death. |
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There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!" |
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Why did the two boa constrictors get married ? Because they had a crush on each other |
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Did you hear about the stupid snake? He lost his skin. |
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Give me a sense of humour, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, And pass it on to other folks |
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Marriage Humour: Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! ' |
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Marriage Humour: A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour! |
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Marriage Humour: Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' |
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Marriage Humour: A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' |
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Marriage Humour: Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' |
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Marriage Humour: Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' |
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Marriage Humour: Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' |
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Marriage Humour: Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' |
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Marriage Humour: Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' |
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave early right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done. The redhead goes to the salon. The blonde goes home to find her husband cheating with her female boss! So, the blonde quietly sneaks out of the house. "That was fun," says the brunette the next day. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." |
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Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his famous kite experiment. Actually, a women made that discovery possible. The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history. |
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A husband and wife were expecting their newborn baby boy. "We will name him Jacob after me," said the husband. "No, I want to name him Taylor," said the wife. "Taylor is a girls name", the disappointed husband replied. "No it's not", replied the wife. " I don't want my son to be named after a female country singer," shouted the husband. "Fine" said the wife. The soon to be dad smiled and said "I can't wait to play football with him and watch NASCAR". The mom smiled and said, "I don't think you have to wait must longer... my water just broke!!!" So, they rushed to the hospital and soon the baby was being delivered. The husband and wife were so excited. As the baby popped out the dad said, "Jacob you are gonna be a star!!!" The the doctors laid the baby on its mommy's belly and said, "Congratulations, its a new baby girl"!!! "Well Taylor it is", laughed the mom. |
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EVER WONDER ... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
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Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords? During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long. |
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While on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things. As we past a sign I told her that is the name of the town for the next exit. As we past the exit I told her how we were passing the town. A few exits latter she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas. :-)) |
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10 Games for Old Age 1.)Sag, You're it 2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear 4.)Kick the bucket 5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6.)Doc Goose 7.)Simon says something incoherent 8.)Hide and go pee 9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10.)Musical recliners |
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Two young business men in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left." Last edited on Mon Mar 22nd, 2010 04:01 pm by 4thekids |
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One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat. As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on. The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down. The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded. The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!” The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!” |
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Q. what do ducks eat? A. quackers :-) |
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There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that. So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped. The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop cussing, but I have one question". The boy said, "What"? The Parrot asks, "What did the turkey do"??? |
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NEVER CHEAT ON A WEST VIRGINIA WOMAN! A WV wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood,
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Cowboy Joke There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up. He grab this young indian who just happen to be walking by told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it wake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed. After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. AS the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?" Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNING...... |
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The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.” |
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Elevator Magic A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!" |
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A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
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A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”. |
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A group of U-Dinks were celebrating in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted, "94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!" The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by the meaning of their yells. "94 days!" they slurred boastfully. Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This is quite a celebration." "Sure is," the U-Dink swayed, "we did it in 94 days." "Did what?" the bartender probed. "We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the U-Dink beamed back. "That must have been quite a challenge??" "It sure was," the U-Dink boasted, "on the end of the box it said 5 to 7 years." |
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' |
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' |
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Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' |
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' |
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Love The Irish Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' |
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One day God was talking to Adam and he said "Adam you look lonely, I know I'll give you a woman but it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam said " what can I get for a rib?" The rest is history. |
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A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign. The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?" The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick. While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!" |
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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother. The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! " The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook." Then the brother said, "What about your leg?" The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ." Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?" The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ." The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?" Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha |
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied, "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?" |
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A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." "Well, I can see you are not eating right." |
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Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO." St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days." |
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This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." |
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a check tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt. |
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I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”. |
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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive”. |
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I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said “No, the steaks are too high”. |
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12 Year Old Scotch A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch" The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out. "This is piss!" he yells. The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?" |
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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory |
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A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?" And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!" |
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? |
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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? |
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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? |
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Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: Porkchop! |
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A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" |
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. |
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A Cold Winter It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy |
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Q: What has four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog. |
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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" |
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A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out. She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, " Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, " Like duh not when I am winning!! " |
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Lost In The Snow A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart." |
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Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake. |
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica". The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she again responds "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica". The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica". |
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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket." |
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One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something. When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats." |
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A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." |
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat" He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog". He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato" |
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Heavens Ugliest Women Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen. The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?" He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied." |
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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup! |
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New prefix If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait Bimbag - a blonde's purse Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her Bimboette - a young blonde Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes Bimboozle - to fool a blonde Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence Bimbozo - another name for a blonde Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall |
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Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
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$1000 Competition The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS." |
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Alcoholic Side Effects The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. |
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All You Can Drink A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home." |
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A Round For The House A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink." |
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What You Got A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar." |
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Beer Festival After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." |
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Deadbeat in a Bar A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it." "As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!" The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!" |
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Evils of Liquor A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" |
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Stages of Drunkeness 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. 3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one. 5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems. 6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass. 7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela. 8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up. 9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign. 10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound. 11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out. 12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again. |
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Pirate's Misfortunes A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!" |
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Spent Paycheck Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Man: Eight rounds of drinks. |
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Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor.. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That d**ned pink elephant followed me home again. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night. |
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Speech Impediment Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!" |
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The Buffalo Theory The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer.. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you! |
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A Chick With Long Legs A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs." |
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Bird vs Fly What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. |
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Bird vs Fly What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. |
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Dog Watch Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from." |
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Goodbye To Mother A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" |
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The Mink Coat A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" |
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Living with the Wolf Man The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." |
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Monkey Organization An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes. |
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The Other Side Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river." |
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Lion Tamer Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." |
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4thekids Member
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Vampire bat A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" |
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4thekids Member
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way... |
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4thekids Member
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A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..." |
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4thekids Member
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How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year. |
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4thekids Member
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? [You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.] |
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4thekids Member
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WHEN TO START CUSSING A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with h*ll and you say something with a**." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, h*ll, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a** it won't be Cheerios!" |
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4thekids Member
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Knock Knock Who's there ? Avery Avery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! |
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4thekids Member
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What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? [Crisp Cringle.] |
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4thekids Member
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How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? [Fleece Navidad!] |
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4thekids Member
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What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ? She gave him the cold shoulder ! |
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4thekids Member
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And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did. |
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Owen Stanley McKenrick Member 
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A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. |
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4thekids Member
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
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4thekids Member
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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it ! |
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