| Posted: Sat Mar 20th, 2010 10:37 am |
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One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
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| Posted: Fri Mar 19th, 2010 11:28 am |
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One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.
As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.
The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.
The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.
The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”
The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”
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| Posted: Thu Mar 18th, 2010 12:49 pm |
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3rd Post |
| Posted: Tue Mar 16th, 2010 10:56 am |
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There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.
So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped.
The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop cussing, but I have one question".
The boy said, "What"?
The Parrot asks, "What did the turkey do"???
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| Posted: Mon Mar 15th, 2010 11:51 am |
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NEVER CHEAT ON A WEST VIRGINIA WOMAN!
A WV wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood,
lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop !
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
[size=
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye,]
put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn the Barn down!!!"
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| Posted: Sun Mar 14th, 2010 11:31 am |
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6th Post |
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Cowboy Joke
There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.
He grab this young indian who just happen to be walking by told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it wake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed.
After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. AS the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?" Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNING......
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| Posted: Sat Mar 13th, 2010 12:27 pm |
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The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
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| Posted: Fri Mar 12th, 2010 08:42 am |
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Elevator Magic
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
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| Posted: Thu Mar 11th, 2010 10:47 pm |
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A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 10th, 2010 09:41 am |
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A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.
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A group of U-Dinks were celebrating in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted,
"94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each
other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"
The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by
the meaning of their yells. "94 days!" they slurred boastfully.
Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This
is quite a celebration."
"Sure is," the U-Dink swayed, "we did it in 94 days."
"Did what?" the bartender probed.
"We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the U-Dink beamed back.
"That must have been quite a challenge??"
"It sure was," the U-Dink boasted, "on the end of the box it
said 5 to 7 years."
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed
to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he
could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one
- just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
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Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'
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Love The Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord
take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
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One day God was talking to Adam and he said "Adam you look lonely, I know I'll give you a woman but it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam said " what can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
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A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.
The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"
The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.
While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!"
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| Posted: Sun Feb 28th, 2010 10:52 am |
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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."
Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"
The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"
Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha 
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| Posted: Sat Feb 27th, 2010 09:41 am |
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?"
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| Posted: Fri Feb 26th, 2010 10:28 am |
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A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." "Well, I can see you are not eating right."
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| Posted: Thu Feb 25th, 2010 11:08 am |
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Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."
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| Posted: Wed Feb 24th, 2010 10:51 am |
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This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."
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| Posted: Tue Feb 23rd, 2010 10:49 am |
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25th Post |
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a check tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
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| Posted: Mon Feb 22nd, 2010 09:47 am |
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I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”.
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| Posted: Sun Feb 21st, 2010 11:12 am |
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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive”.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 20th, 2010 10:17 am |
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I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said “No, the steaks are too high”.
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| Posted: Fri Feb 19th, 2010 11:06 am |
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12 Year Old Scotch
A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.
He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..
At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.
"This is piss!" he yells.
The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"
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| Posted: Thu Feb 18th, 2010 07:17 am |
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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
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| Posted: Wed Feb 17th, 2010 11:52 am |
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A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
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| Posted: Tue Feb 16th, 2010 10:30 am |
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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| Posted: Mon Feb 15th, 2010 10:46 am |
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33rd Post |
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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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| Posted: Sun Feb 14th, 2010 12:52 pm |
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34th Post |
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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
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| Posted: Sat Feb 13th, 2010 10:34 am |
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35th Post |
| Posted: Fri Feb 12th, 2010 10:21 am |
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36th Post |
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A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
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| Posted: Thu Feb 11th, 2010 08:50 am |
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37th Post |
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 10th, 2010 08:36 am |
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38th Post |
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A Cold Winter
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a
Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to
be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the
Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood
in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at
National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold
winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy
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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
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A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, " Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, " Like duh not when I am winning!! "
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Lost In The Snow
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
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Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".
The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she again responds "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket."
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One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."
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A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
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| Posted: Sun Jan 31st, 2010 12:26 pm |
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48th Post |
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof".
The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
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| Posted: Sat Jan 30th, 2010 08:55 am |
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49th Post |
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Heavens Ugliest Women
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
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| Posted: Fri Jan 29th, 2010 11:26 am |
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50th Post |
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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
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