| Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 07:59 am |
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1st Post |
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
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| Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 10:04 am |
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Why did the performing pony not sing?
Answer: Because his voice was a little horse
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| Posted: Wed Jul 28th, 2010 08:54 am |
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The teacher said, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Daniel, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, "You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Daniel replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
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| Posted: Tue Jul 27th, 2010 09:41 am |
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There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"
The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."
The guy asked, "Where should I start?"
The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"
The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"
The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."
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| Posted: Mon Jul 26th, 2010 09:04 am |
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?
Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 25th, 2010 11:36 am |
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God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 24th, 2010 08:12 am |
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You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 09:54 am |
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Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"
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| Posted: Wed Jul 21st, 2010 07:51 am |
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Things I Have Learned in the South
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
(And, if the price of meat keeps going up, I gonna learn how to fry one up.)
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jaw-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow and eat okra.
(And, fried green tomatoes!)
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. Folks in the south do like a little tea with their sugar.
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning, Did you eat?
You don't have to wear a watch, because it don't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
You measure distance in minutes.
(Isn't that what you really wanted to know?)
You switch from heat to A/C multiple times in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You know what a DAWG is.
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Dell Sauce, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.
Many think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.
You know what a hissy fit is.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World.
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
(With slaw and hush puppies!)
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern and other friends.
My favorite one is - Jeet?
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| Posted: Tue Jul 20th, 2010 09:09 am |
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10th Post |
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
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| Posted: Mon Jul 19th, 2010 08:54 am |
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A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
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| Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 11:01 am |
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12th Post |
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A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.
"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."
"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news."
"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
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| Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 10:55 am |
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After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.
"In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother."
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| Posted: Fri Jul 16th, 2010 09:45 am |
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A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex.
St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex.
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”
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| Posted: Thu Jul 15th, 2010 09:50 am |
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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
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| Posted: Wed Jul 14th, 2010 10:15 am |
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After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.
"In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother."
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| Posted: Tue Jul 13th, 2010 09:32 am |
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A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"
"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."
"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."
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| Posted: Mon Jul 12th, 2010 08:13 am |
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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
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| Posted: Sun Jul 11th, 2010 10:02 am |
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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| Posted: Sat Jul 10th, 2010 11:30 am |
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A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride.
When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen".
He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord".
The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"
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A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"
The mom asked, "What is it"?
"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.
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There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a boat together.
One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from a booth on the beach.
The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also took a drink from a booth on the beach.
On the third day, the rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the boat, he drowned.
The minister looked at the priest and said, "Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"
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For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!
'Where Is My Paper?'
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'
There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'So that's why no one was in church today.'
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me," the father answered.
The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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Once, in the 1820's, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"
"No, pappy," Sam lied.
"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?' Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the Sam's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"
"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."
Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"
Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"
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A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. When it was this mans turn in line and he said it was his hearing.
So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.
The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.
"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the man.
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The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.
The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.
She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."
Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.
Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.
Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
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| Posted: Wed Jun 30th, 2010 08:52 am |
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A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich and sits down.When the panda is done with his sandwich he pulls out a gun shoots the waiter then gets up to leave. The bartender stops him and says "you just shot my waiter and now your going to leave" and the panda replies "dude look it up" so the bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up panda bear. It said"a animal that lives in africa. eats shoots and leaves.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 29th, 2010 09:42 am |
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A kindergarden teacher was supervising her class as they were drawing pictures. She wandered about the room, looking at the pictures they were drawing and complimenting them. All the kids would look up at her and smile, eager to show their artwork. She came across one little girl who didn't look up, but instead kept coloring busily. "What are you drawing?" asked the teacher. "I'm drawing God," answered the little girl, still not looking up. "But, no one knows what God looks like." "They will in a sec."
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| Posted: Mon Jun 28th, 2010 08:44 am |
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32nd Post |
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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."
Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"
The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"
Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha 
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| Posted: Sun Jun 27th, 2010 09:07 am |
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33rd Post |
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A husband and wife were expecting their newborn baby boy.
"We will name him Jacob after me," said the husband.
"No, I want to name him Taylor," said the wife.
"Taylor is a girls name", the disappointed husband replied.
"No it's not", replied the wife. "
I don't want my son to be named after a female country singer," shouted the husband.
"Fine" said the wife.
The soon to be dad smiled and said "I can't wait to play football with him and watch NASCAR".
The mom smiled and said, "I don't think you have to wait must longer... my water just broke!!!"
So, they rushed to the hospital and soon the baby was being delivered. The husband and wife were so excited.
As the baby popped out the dad said, "Jacob you are gonna be a star!!!"
The the doctors laid the baby on its mommy's belly and said, "Congratulations, its a new baby girl"!!!
"Well Taylor it is", laughed the mom.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 08:57 am |
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34th Post |
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A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope. I’m a Sacramento Kings fan!" She says, "Well, why are you a Sacramento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacramento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacramento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacramento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy, so she says, "Well, if your mom’s an idiot and your dads an idiot, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Lakers fan!"
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| Posted: Thu Jun 24th, 2010 10:50 am |
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35th Post |
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"
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| Posted: Wed Jun 23rd, 2010 09:28 am |
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36th Post |
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Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?
Yep… It runs in the jeans!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 22nd, 2010 10:05 am |
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37th Post |
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I’m Tired! Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough.
But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.
Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 21st, 2010 10:21 am |
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38th Post |
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
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| Posted: Sun Jun 20th, 2010 11:14 am |
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39th Post |
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A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
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"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"
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| Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 10:06 am |
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40th Post |
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his
side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I
don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole
body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this
said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old
man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure
my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call
the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the
weekend I had?"
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| Posted: Fri Jun 18th, 2010 09:43 am |
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41st Post |
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Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man. Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river." The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way. The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the way. The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman! The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 17th, 2010 09:26 am |
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42nd Post |
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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 16th, 2010 08:47 am |
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43rd Post |
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A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says to yield, not give up!"
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| Posted: Tue Jun 15th, 2010 08:21 am |
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44th Post |
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse, by a long shot, won the race.
Before the next race, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest made a blessing on the forehead of another one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on that horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited so see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.Mitch was now pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed that the priest blessed the eyes, ears and hooves of the horse. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as his horse came in last.Mitch in a state of shock made his way down to the track area and confronted the priest. “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings—all of it!”
The priest nodded wisely with sympathy said, “Son, that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”
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| Posted: Mon Jun 14th, 2010 09:08 am |
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45th Post |
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A man is sitting in a bar in Montana and far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
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| Posted: Sun Jun 13th, 2010 10:09 am |
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46th Post |
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he
said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her
what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
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| Posted: Sat Jun 12th, 2010 12:32 pm |
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47th Post |
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Conservatives will appreciate this one.
I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new
Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the
passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke
up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership....d**n guy had no sense of humor.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 11th, 2010 09:20 am |
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48th Post |
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In a small kindergarten class, they were learning the alphabet. When a little boy asked to go to the restroom the teacher said, "Say the alphabet first" "But I really need to go!!!!" "say the alphabet and I'll let you go!!!" "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ" "You left out the "P!! Where's the "P?" "Running down my pants"
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| Posted: Thu Jun 10th, 2010 09:37 am |
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49th Post |
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My daughter and I were driving down the street when I noticed a license plate that read, "I is college educated." I laughed as I pointed it out to my daughter. She replied with discuss, "He's so stupid! It's, "I are college educated!"
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A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.
The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"
The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.
While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!"
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